Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Not Exactly What I Prayed For

People say you shouldn't have regrets.  They say that everything that happens in your life is a stepping stone that helped you grow into the person you are at that moment.  And for the most part I agree.  Many of the mistakes I've made in the past have eventually led me to where I am today.  But there has always been this one mistake that has haunted me for almost 9 years now.  It's one that I will always regret and always wish I could go back and change.

As mentioned in a previous post, I have battled mild depression on and off for years knowing that I will never be able to carry a child of my own again and that we had sinned greatly against our God.  I have prayed begged God to miraculously "undo" what we allowed our doctor talk us into after three high risk pregnancies.  We were young and not yet strong in our faith.  We knew deep down that it wasn't right, but we were ultimately swayed by the world, and it's corrupting views. "It's OK if its for medical reasons."  And we bought into it hook, line, and sinker.

About a year ago, I was at Mass.  Sitting in the front pew on the left side of the church, as we always do because all good Catholics have "their own spot", I was once again asking for forgiveness.  Deep down, I knew He had forgiven us, but I still hadn't forgiven myself.  I looked up at the stain glass window of the Annunciation like I always do and begged God once again for another miraculous conception.  At that moment, I saw myself standing in "my pew" with my family holding a baby.  I was so overwhelmed with joy at this vision that I had to control the tears.  I just knew that my prayer had been heard.  So month after month after month, I waited.  I knew it was crazy.  Why would God answer my prayer for a baby when we had chosen to "play God" so many years ago?

Today, I was sitting in my same spot at noon Mass. As Mass began, I stood up and looked up at that same glass window of the Angel Gabriel and the Blessed Virgin Mary.  That vision of me standing in Mass holding a baby in my arms came back to me as I looked down at the baby in my arms.  Once again, my heart was overwhelmed with joy and tears swelled in my eyes.  God had sent me a baby not quite like I asked for, but he sent me one to hold, to care for, and to love.  He had heard my prayer and had answered it in His own way.

I will always regret our decision.  I don't know that I will ever truly forgive myself.  But knowing that God has heard me and has answered my plea, I feel more at peace.  My "borrowed baby" is a reminder to me that God does hear and He does answer---in His time and in His way.

FYI: For those of you who do not know, I offered to babysit a friend's infant if she could not find a sitter by the time her baby was born.  Needless to say, she didn't find one because God had a plan.  This sweet baby joined our daytime family about two months ago.  As I write tonight, I realize that my vision at Mass and my offer to her happened right about the same time....God is good!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing! Yes, God had forgiven you all those years is you that had to find a way to forgive yourself. We as humans take a "lifetime" sometimes to completely let go and let God with our heart and soul!! And darn if we sometimes take the burden back time and again when we thought we had forgiven ourselves!!