As mentioned in a previous post, I have battled mild depression on and off for years knowing that I will never be able to carry a child of my own again and that we had sinned greatly against our God. I have
About a year ago, I was at Mass. Sitting in the front pew on the left side of the church, as we always do because all good Catholics have "their own spot", I was once again asking for forgiveness. Deep down, I knew He had forgiven us, but I still hadn't forgiven myself. I looked up at the stain glass window of the Annunciation like I always do and begged God once again for another miraculous conception. At that moment, I saw myself standing in "my pew" with my family holding a baby. I was so overwhelmed with joy at this vision that I had to control the tears. I just knew that my prayer had been heard. So month after month after month, I waited. I knew it was crazy. Why would God answer my prayer for a baby when we had chosen to "play God" so many years ago?
Today, I was sitting in my same spot at noon Mass. As Mass began, I stood up and looked up at that same glass window of the Angel Gabriel and the Blessed Virgin Mary. That vision of me standing in Mass holding a baby in my arms came back to me as I looked down at the baby in my arms. Once again, my heart was overwhelmed with joy and tears swelled in my eyes. God had sent me a baby not quite like I asked for, but he sent me one to hold, to care for, and to love. He had heard my prayer and had answered it in His own way.
I will always regret our decision. I don't know that I will ever truly forgive myself. But knowing that God has heard me and has answered my plea, I feel more at peace. My "borrowed baby" is a reminder to me that God does hear and He does answer---in His time and in His way.
FYI: For those of you who do not know, I offered to babysit a friend's infant if she could not find a sitter by the time her baby was born. Needless to say, she didn't find one because God had a plan. This sweet baby joined our daytime family about two months ago. As I write tonight, I realize that my vision at Mass and my offer to her happened right about the same time....God is good!