Sunday, October 14, 2012

We Are Not Worthy

Today's Mass was a very emotional one for me.  It began in the car when I first opened my missal and saw that today's gospel was Mark 10: 17-30.  I knew that it was specifically for me.  Jesus said it over 2000 years ago for me to hear on this very day October 14, 2012.   

Since we first felt called to become full time missionaries, I have doubted our "worthiness."  Since we officially announced our plan to join Family Missions Company about three weeks ago on this blog, I have been feeling even more unworthy of such a call.  I mean, "Who are we to go out and preach the gospel?"  Surely, there are other people out there that would be better at this than us.  There are lots of people more knowledgeable of the gospel than we are.  There are definitely people out there that speak more eloquently than us.  And I know for a fact there are lots of people out there that are "holier" than us.  So, why would He call us?  Why didn't He call those others that are more qualified?

I have prayed about this numerous times in the last several months, and I kept getting the same two messages.  The first one was "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called."  I have seen and heard this message many times before.   I've often reflected on that very quote knowing that it holds true.  I wasn't qualified to be a wife, or a mother, or a teacher when I was first called.  But by His grace, I was able to grow and learn how to be each one. Over the last sixteen years, I've become better and better at each one; more "qualified" each day.  This new vocation wouldn't be any different---He would qualify me.  Whew!

The second message wasn't as eloquently stated as the first, but it was what lit the fire under me.  So many times, I made excuses in my head about why it shouldn't be me going out to share God's love and Christ's message with the world.  How am I going to teach people about..... when I can't get it right myself?  "Then do better."  Each time I said, "I don't even...."  He said, "Then do." This was my personal challenge, but also the challenge for our family.  If we were going to have to go out and preach the gospel, we were going to have to become better at living it.  This was the challenge He gave us for the next year.  And so we began to "Do better."

These same thoughts returned the past few weeks as numerous people called or wrote to us about how much they admire us, how wonderful it was, or how courageous it was of us.  As people said wonderful things about us, our decision, our kids, our faith, etc., I kept wanting to say, "But we aren't that great!  You should see us in the privacy of our own home!  The kids argue.  I yell.  We struggle to get our prayer time in each morning and evening.  We struggle to get to Mass.  We have our doubts. Etc." We are NOT worthy of such praise nor such a call.

With all these thoughts running through my head again this week, I began to once again feel overwhelmed at the thought of selling all that we have and leaving all that we know for the unknown.  I, once again, began to question whether or not the call was for real.  And, once again, as He has done numerous times before, He confirmed what I knew all along in my heart through today's gospel reading of Mark 10:17-30 and then again with the offertory song, The Summons

Later in the Mass as I repeated the communion prayer, "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the words and my soul shall be healed," He confirmed that He would help make us worthy.

Through the tears, I reconfirmed my "Yes" to Him.  I am not worthy, but with God all things are possible.